Gaara Knows

Gaara knows that he is killing Lee. He knows that everyday, Lee's will to live dwindles and starts to fade away slowly. And he knows that it's his fault.

Gaara knows that he's hurting Lee. He knows that it's wrong to inflict so much pain upon one person, but he can't control himself. When Gaara tosses a strike at his lover, the said boy writhes on the floor of Gaara's house and curls into himself, telling Gaara to stop; that he's hurting him, but the Kazekage's ears are deaf to his plea. He continues to beat Lee until he bleeds.

Gaara knows that his lover's heart is broken. He sees it every time Lee looks at him after they make love. Whether it had been Lee taking Gaara, or vice versa, the onyx eyed boy would always look at the redhead in the same fashion afterwards; his round, dark eyes would be downcast and the bruises on his cheek and nose would make him look ill. Gaara felt like vomiting whenever Lee looked at him that way. So he had to make him stop looking at him like that. He regrets the swing he took at the taijutsuist and apologizes while the other male in his bed begins to cry as he nurses his new wounds.

Gaara hates it when he hears Lee talking to Naruto about his new cuts and bruises the day after a fight. He curses to himself and promises Lee that he will stop being so violent towards him. Lee is delighted at hearing that, and embraces the shorter boy tightly in a relieved act of affection. Gaara tries to keep his word. He tries to hold himself back for Lee's sake, tries to pretend that he can be cival toward the older male that shares his bed with him, but Gaara knows that he will break. Eventually he will get sick and tired of seeing Lee's smile, that dazzling white smile that he flashes proudly at Gaara when he proclaims; I love you, Gaara-kun. Gaara knows that one day, if not that same day that he promised not to hit him anymore, he will end up knocking all of Lee's teeth out.

Gaara watches Lee as he dresses the new scratches that raked all the way down his chest and stomach from where the Kazekage had used his nails during sex. The large-browed boy winces as he applies rubbing alcohol to the cuts, preventing infection, and bandages his waist quickly before slipping back into his signature green jumpsuit. Sex was meant to be something enjoyable for both people engaging in the act, but seeing Lee after a night with the stoic redhead, one might assume that there was torture involved for the Konoha nin. Lee's eyes lock with Gaara's when he notices that he is being watched. His lips twitch upwards weakly, the smile he was showing not really reaching his eyes, as he showed his lover a thumbs-up. Gaara turns on his heel and leaves the room after he scowls down at the wounded man and tells him to get out of his house. Just like he always did.

Gaara feels Lee moving inside of him at night when they are alone, bodies mingled and moving together in a moment of heated passion. Lee was a gentle lover, if not a cleaver one. He always seemed to know where to kiss Gaara's body while his length was pushing past the redheads barriers and touching him from the inside, making the Kazekage squirm and grunt with every push and pull as Lee's hips rocked back and forth. After they have both climaxed, and they lay panting and tangled together for a few minutes afterwards, Lee always wraps both of his muscular arms around the slender body of his lover, whispering the same three words to Gaara just before slipping into sleep. Gaara never answers, but relaxes into Lee's strong hold. This is where he feels safe. This is what he needs. Something tangible and real and warm. Gaara wishes that they could be together like this forever, rather than a few hours. Because Gaara knows that in the morning, everything will be twisted again and that he won't be able to stop himself from striking his fist against Lee's lips; the same lips that pressed against Gaara's lightly while they coupled. He knew he would end up hurting Lee. He always did.

Gaara grabs a handful of black hair and pulls back harshly, his victim falling backwards on the floor to stare up at him. Lee never fights back when Gaara attacks him. He stays on the ground and closes his eyes while the shorter male begins to strike him repeatedly across his back and chest with tightly closed fists that still held locks of hair between the fingers. He covers his head as Gaara's punches move up to his face. He listens to the screaming and complaining and does nothing but sit and take it. Gaara hated that. He hated having his existence threatened by not sensing fear in the older man. And so he kicks and scratches and screams until his anger quells and he is left breathing heavily, standing over the beaten and bloody body of his lover. He feels sick to his stomach when Lee rises up from the ground, half of his face swollen and bleeding, and pulls Gaara to his chest, holding onto him just like he does after their coupling and saying that he forgives him. Gaara always hugs him back and apologizes after he had been forgiven and promises not to harm his lover again. Lee smiles and nods, completely trusting and loving. Gaara wished that he could trust himself as much as Lee trusted him.

Gaara waves to Lee as the said man runs away from him, his athletic form melding with the sunset as he takes off for a mission with Naruto and his group. Lee kisses Gaara goodbye just before slipping out of the door and taking off to meet his friends. He always promises to be back soon, and Gaara just nods. He watches from the window in his office as Lee leaves the village with Naruto and Kiba while Shikamaru leads the cell. Gaara knows that his lover will return quickly. He always did. But sometimes, for Lee's safety, Gaara prays that the raven-haired boy would come to his senses and stay away from him, maybe go back to Konoha and start a family with Sakura. He prays and wishes with all of his heart that Lee would just stay away and not come back, but knowing full well that those wishes were in vain. Lee always came back to him. Always.

Gaara tells the person knocking at his office door to enter without once glancing up from his paperwork. He continues to sign the papers and sort folders, but raises his eyes to acknowledge his visitor when something was thrust in front of his face. Gaara blinks once, staring blankly at the red Konoha headband that Naruto was holding out to him. The metal was broken in half from the middle and was torn on one side, the knot that held it on its wearer still attached to the other half. Gaara looks up more and stares at Naruto's tear stained face, his eyes narrowing as he reaches up and takes the headband from his friend. He traces the Leaf symbol with a finger gently, feeling a sick feeling building up in his chest. He began to hate himself for ever wishing that Lee would leave him.

Gaara cries at Lee's funeral nearly two months later, surprising not only his siblings and the other mourners, but also himself. The ANBU sent out to bring back the dead had returned with only Lee's upper torso, the rest of him having been severed and lost in the battlefield. Gai gives a few words on the podium and then Neji, Tenten, Naruto . . . until it is Gaara's turn to say a few words about the deceased. He steps forward slowly and takes his place in front of the microphone. He caresses the Leaf Jounin's belt once before pulling his hand out of his pocket to wipe his face. He finished his speech quickly, his aqua eyes staring, unblinking, at Lee's memorial picture. That bright, illuminating smile in the frame would never again be shown proudly to Gaara, or anyone else.

Gaara hated himself for taking that wonderful person for granted and for treating him so horribly. He began to sob uncontrollably when he entered an empty bedroom. Lee always came back to him. He always said he would, and he always did. But this time, Lee was taken from Gaara permanently. Maybe some higher power was just making sure Lee wouldn't be abused anymore. Or maybe the devil was trying to torture Gaara by making him suffer horrible pains.

Gaara realized, as he drifted off into a fretful slumber that night in an empty bed, that he had been given something wonderful. Lee had loved Gaara when everyone else was too frightened to so much as talk to him. Lee had loved Gaara even when the Kazekage had started to become violent toward him. He always smiled and forgave him when Gaara apologized.

Gaara cried himself to sleep that night as he clutched Lee's forehead protector close to his chest, praying that everything would turn out to be just a dream. Maybe he had dreamed up everything and everyone. Maybe Rock Lee was all in his imagination. Maybe their whole life together was a dream.

Gaara closed his eyes and dreamed that everything was a dream.